Skip to main content
AuxBeacon Civil Air Patrol, unbriefed
Archive Staff RSS Donate (opens in a new tab)

The Auxiliary Beacon

Earlier dispatches

Page 7 of 8.

March 7, 2025

Civil Air Patrol Joins Border Mission: More Binoculars, Less Drama

Because who else can fly 3,000 hours, spot a pickup truck, and still make it home for dinner? Civil Air Patrol, the U.S. Air Force’s most dedicated volunteer squadron of science nerds, aviation buffs, and retirees…

March 4, 2025

Civil Air Patrol Puts Glider Program on 'Strategic Timeout' While Adults Figure Things Out

AKA: The Great Glider Grounding of 2025 In a move that shocked at least 17 soaring enthusiasts and confused several cadets who just wanted to fly without an engine, Civil Air Patrol has hit the brakes—er,…

March 4, 2025

Cadets Brave Washington, D.C. to Learn How Government Kinda Sorta Works

Civic Leadership Academy: Because Nothing Says ‘Vacation’ Like Seminars and C-SPAN Twenty of Civil Air Patrol’s most promising cadets descended upon Washington, D.C., this February for a week of handshakes, policy jargon, and PowerPoints at CAP’s…

March 3, 2025

Appalachian Floods Bring Mud, Mayhem, and Mobilized CAP Nerds with Cameras

When it rains, it pours... then CAP shows up with spreadsheets and Cessnas In mid-February, Mother Nature reminded Appalachia that she's still very much in charge, delivering a combo platter of heavy rain, snowmelt, and emotional…

March 3, 2025

Dolnick Tapped to Command Pacific Region, Bring Cyber Skills and Spreadsheet Wizardry to the West Coast

Also brings enough CAP credentials to fill a hangar In a dramatic leadership shift that may or may not involve a secret handshake and a patch ceremony, Col. Brett Dolnick — Washington Wing commander, cyber defense…

February 27, 2025

Florida Cadet Squadron Prepares for Fashion Week Audition Amid Haircut Hysteria

Early in the week, the Florida Wing's Homestead Hair Salon Cadet Squadron group texts caught fire, and for once, it wasn’t because someone forgot to silence their phone during naptime. The extraordinary news: The Fashionista-in-Chief would…

February 18, 2025

Col. Boehmer Crowned King of the Great Lakes: All Hail the Endless Titles!

In an unprecedented move that no one saw coming—except perhaps Col. Curtis Boehmer himself—our dear Boehmer has added yet another lavish title to his already illustrious Civil Air Patrol (CAP) resume. Yes, folks, gasp in disbelief…

February 18, 2025

CyberCadet Gauntlet: Return of the Keyboard Conquistadors in the Virtual Thunderdome

A Cyber-Quest Odyssey: Return of the Cadet Overlords In the latest chapter of the epic CyberPatriot saga, where young minds valiantly attempt to conquer the perilous realm of virtual networks, two teams of the illustrious Civil…

February 18, 2025

Turbocharged Tiddlywinks: Celebrating Aviation's High-Speed Strolls and Skybound Artistry

The Legendary T-41 Trainer Meet the mighty T-41 trainer — because who wouldn’t want a 139 mph, 26 feet 11 inches "rocket", ready to take on the vast blue yonder! Yes, it’s speedy, thrilling, and perfect…

February 6, 2025

Civil Air Patrol Stars in "Much Ado About Altitude: Super Bowl Skies Get Dramatic Makeover"

It’s that time of year again, folks! Civil Air Patrol (CAP) has been summoned for their 24th annual performance in the role of “airspace guardians,” as they pretend-prepare with the U.S. Air Force in the dramatic…

January 24, 2025

The Marvelous Adventures of Super Cadet: Has He Finally Broken Reality?

In a shocking revelation that's left both parents and underachievers quaking in their boots, Cadet Maj. Brock Buak of the California Wing’s Eugene L. Carnahan Cadet Squadron 85 has somehow managed to wrangle appointments to four…

January 21, 2025

CAP's Year of Ownership: Because Who Needs Simplicity When You Can Have Extreme Bureaucracy?

In an ambitious attempt to overcomplicate simplicity, the Civil Air Patrol (CAP) has unleashed a grandiose yearlong initiative, whimsically dubbed the “Year of Ownership.” The plan aims to transform the organization's culture from mere functionality to…

January 20, 2025

Pilot's Uniform, Financial Throne: A Satirical Soar Through Kerry Kaplan's CAP Adventures

Once upon a mid-flight crisis, Capt. Kerry Kaplan embarked on her illustrious journey with the Civil Air Patrol (CAP). A tale peppered with curious misadventures, much akin to her whirlwind life. Despite neither she nor her…

January 20, 2025

The Great Eaglerock: The Biplane That Outspeeds Granny's Knitting and Dodges Nosey In-Laws

Capacity: boasts an exclusive three-seater arrangement \ Length: a towering 25 feet 11 inches of vintage beauty \ Maximum speed: a blistering 100 mph – faster than your granny's knitting speed! \ Cruise speed: a casual…

January 14, 2025

Wizards of Bureaucracy: Heroes in Pajamas Pen Down Wildfire Wonders from the Comfort of Their Desks

In a thrilling plot twist more riveting than your grandma's Sunday crossword, the Civil Air Patrol Geospatial Program’s Damage Assessment Team has joined forces with the mighty Federal Emergency Management Agency. Together, they crusade through mountains…

January 3, 2025

With Great Power Comes Great Scheduling: The Tale of Aviation's Over-Achieving Superwoman

In the latest telecast from the skies, Captain Deborah Hecker – yes, the one with a cape instead of a pilot's uniform – has ascended to yet another celestial realm. She's landed on the Civil Air…

December 30, 2024

Paperwork Pilots: How a Cessna Landed in a Museum Thanks to Bureaucratic Turbulence

In the grand tradition of aviation's movers and shakers, Igor Sikorsky once declared, "The work of the individual still remains the spark that moves mankind forward." Enter Frank Blazich, the human embodiment of this spark but…

December 26, 2024

Aviation Buffs Gather to "Celebrate" Gen. Spaatz—or At Least Keep Dessert Safe

It was a grand day for those enamored with the glamorous world of aviation history, as Civil Air Patrol cadets, Junior ROTC participants, and students with their heads perpetually in the clouds gathered around at the…

December 18, 2024

Civil Air Patrol's Awards Gala: More Drama Than a Soap Opera, with a Side of Caffeine

Theodore Roosevelt once sagely advised that it’s not the critics in the bleachers—those enthusiastic experts on doing absolutely nothing—that count, but rather the trench warriors on the field, sporting band-aids for the boo-boos they bravely earned.…

December 3, 2024

Breaking News: Civil Air Patrol's New Hire Promises to Keep Breathing Office Paper as Vital as Aviation Fuel

In a dazzling display of title inflation, Civil Air Patrol (CAP) decided that the only way to soar higher was by officially introducing a “chief people officer,” hiring none other than Danford "Dan the Man" Kern.…

Page 7 of 8

Previous 12345678 Next

AuxBeacon

A satiristic take on Civil Air Patrol news. CAP.News content and images adopted under Fair Use limitation on exclusive rights as described in 17 U.S.C. §107. Original content copyright Civil Air Patrol, Inc. unless otherwise specified.

Sections

  • Latest
  • Archive
  • Staff
  • RSS
  • Donate

Subscribe

  • RSS feed
  • Buy us a coffee

© 2026 AuxBeacon. Satire. Mostly.